[story prompt 4] Taken, Not Given

[dvampyrlestat]

Author:  jeffer
Title:  Taken, not Given
Summary: Pam faces her worst adversary, and realizes how helpless she really is.
Prompt used: Prompt 4, “the Wave” (pic above)
Word Count:
Type: Hard to exclusively categorize. Let’s go with ‘movie tie-in’ or 'retelling'.
Notes: Based on the ‘small’ Filipino film BATANES, about city girl Pam who meets and falls in love with lowly fisherman Rico. She leaves the ‘comforts’ of the city and marries him, deciding to settle down in the tiny remote island of Batanes to live as a fisherman’s wife. Unbeta’d.
Critique Request: YES PLEASE. I want to improve.

All her apprehensions about leaving everything familiar behind vanished the instant she saw him waiting at the dock. The minute the boat touched land, Pam was in his arms, reveling at how she managed to be apart from him for the past month.

“My parents are looking forward to meeting you,” Rico whispered when their lips parted.

A delicious shiver ran down her spine. “I’m nervous. What if they won’t like me?”

He squeezed her tight. “Don’t worry. They already love you. Come.”

For the first time, Pam looked at the wide blue sea before her. Having lived in the great big city all her life, the ocean had been nothing but a word to her, a picture in books. Now it was real, and it was beautiful.

“Look at her.”

Rico was looking out into the ocean, his innocent smile wider than usual. Pam followed the direction of his gaze.

“Who?”

“She’s smiling.”

Confused, Pam searched the horizon. There was no one there. There was nothing but the water, the tiny waves dancing in ripples, the sun reflected in its blue depths.

Rico turned his smile on her. “She’s happy that you’re finally here.”

He looked so elated, that beguiling smile coaxing a grinning response. She then realized Rico was talking about the sea. At the time she simply put it as one of his quirks, one of those little things that made him special.

Being married to him was bliss. It didn’t matter that they had to live in a house of stone, only enough for the two of them. There was no electricity on their side of the island; only gas lamps and the glow of fireflies illumined their nights and the golden sunrise greeted their mornings. The sound of blaring car horns that usually woke her up was now replaced by the humming of the surf.

The first time Pam went with Rico out to sea, she watched him as he laid out three sets of cooked rice wrapped in banana leaves between them.

She gave him a teasing smile. “No fair. You’ll have two?”

Rico shook his head, a serene smile on his sun-kissed face. “It’s for her.”

“Ah,” she said with a sigh. “Her. Of course.”

“You’re laughing at me.” He said this with no reproach. In fact, he sounded like he pitied her for her ignorance. She merely shrugged in response.

Rico went about spreading the banana leaf carefully. “This is the least we can do for her.”

“It’s an offering?”

“A gift. We are taking something from her, something she owns.”

“The fishes.” Pam was having trouble keeping the laughter from her voice, but Rico was not offended. He went on.

“In return, we have to respect her.”

“You mean…feed her.” She leaned her head to the side. “Tell me, if I blink, would her food disappear?”

Rico shook his head, amused by her quips. He reached for a handful of cooked rice and slowly scattered them into the water. Pam sat there, mesmerized, unable to tear her eyes away. His movements were so deliberate, almost reverent.

He was actually serious about this. Suddenly she felt guilty for finding this whole thing funny.

She reached for the banana leaf in his hand. He looked at her, a question in his eyes.

“May I?” she asked, tentatively, and he let her take some.

As she scattered her share, Rico said, “She brings us life, this is the least we can do for her. For the longest time, she was the one constant thing in my life. Whatever I asked for, she gave it to me.”

He met her eyes. “Pam, from now on, when you need anything, you only have to ask her.”

Pam chuckled. “Rico…she is not God.”

At this, he laughed. “Of course, we all know that. But for me, and for everyone else in this island, she might as well be.”

Now, two years after that first fishing trip with her husband, Pam stood on the shore, exhausted from all that running. She knew that if she turned to look behind her, she would no longer see Rico’s parents and brother standing on the beach. She was already too far off.

Pam looked at her. Today she wasn’t smiling. She was a witch, dancing, gloating. The waves were bigger, higher, as they rolled and tumbled one after another.

She was taunting Pam, cackling with glee as she danced wildly beneath the vast blue sky.

Pam fell to her knees on the sand. What did Rico say? When she needed anything, she only had to ask.

It’s been a year already. A year of pleas and supplications, all unheard. Since that morning he kissed her goodbye and got on his boat, he never came back. The boat returned, but no Rico.

Pam’s voice sounded alien, even to her ears.

“Give him back to me…Please…Give him back.”

Pam watched as a wave, larger than the others, reared high. As if in slow motion, it rose, then fell.

Just as she gave Rico life, she also took it away.

FIN.

Comments

[mary684.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I don't know enough to give you a proper critique. These are just some things that popped out at me while I read it: Nice descriptive passages, the image of the sea is very vivid. I liked how you replaced the sounds of the city with the sounds of the waves. The waves in the prompt are very powerful and I think you captured the feeling of an 'all powerful sea' in your story.

Questions: It’s been a year already. A year of pleas and supplications, all unheard.
I am unsure who she has been pleading with. Has she been asking the sea to give him back or praying to (other) god(s)?

Pam stood on the shore, exhausted from all that running. She knew that if she turned to look behind her, she would no longer see Rico’s parents and brother standing on the beach.
Is she out jogging? Why is his family there with her? This was a little confusing (to me)

Curious: did you give any thought to having the sea return him to her? His relationship with the sea is very mysterious and I just wondered if you thought of going in that direction for the ending.

I have no knowledge of the film you reference, but that did not detract from my enjoyment of the story. Nice job.

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

One thing I liked about that film was how the SEA was made into a major character, way bigger than the human characters. :) So I saw the wave pic and that's what I remembered.

Has she been asking the sea to give him back or praying to (other) god(s)?

She's been pleading with the Sea. I didn't make use of any form of deity, so I somehow presumed that it was the Sea. Hence the plea at the end.

Is she out jogging? Why is his family there with her? This was a little confusing (to me)

I did notice this was a bit vague, eh? I made a later reference...It’s been a year already and that was to denote that it was the anniversary of Rico's disappearance. Ah. I see my error now. I should have placed the info better. :)

Curious: did you give any thought to having the sea return him to her?

Not really. :) Lolz. Well, in the film, the Sea never did return Rico to her. The Sea simply gave her another. So in this story, I never really thought of having the Sea give Rico back. It's just one of those things, I guess. :)

Thank you for the critique. I love finding what I could've done better. :) Really, thank you. ;)

[mary684.livejournal.com]

No worries re: your ending. It worked perfectly the way it was, I was just being curious if you had a thought to spin it another way. I have a bit of a warped mind and enjoy playing around with things like this, so the thought struck me as it being an alternate ending idea and I wondered if you had similar thoughts...ah, well, confirmation once again that I am the only one with bizarre things going on in my head. LOL ;-)

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

That'd be a something, huh. I'll have the sea return Rico, in a different form. Lolz.

...who's bizaare now. :)

[snapshots3.livejournal.com]

I liked the story.
However I got confused a couple of times- were you referring to Pam or the sea . On re reading I could get the story, and this is by way of offering a feedback of the kind I would like for myself.
Having read another of your stories I expected a body to wash up- but I suppose that is too much to expect after a whole year.
Maybe you could reduce the time lapsed- and have her give Pam the body of Rico?
This is just by way of fun- I hope you do not mind.
cheers
kc
http://snapshotsonmycoffeetable.blogspot.com

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

I'm a nutcase so I didn't even think of the sea giving Rico's body back. Haha! Or even if I did have it returned, it would be in a different form already. I'm twisted like that. :)

Looking back, I realized the time jumps were a bit confusing. Thanks for pointing that out. Will pay more attention to transitions in the future.

And thank you for reading and for the critique. :)

[silgari.livejournal.com]

Nice writing skills! I like the story! Kind of sad, but I like it! I didn't get lost or anything! This short stories reminded me of my favorite Costarican author!

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

I...I'm trying. Lolz.

The movie is kind of sad, too. But bittersweet sad. :) So I did not want to lose that in this retelling. :)

Who's your fave Costa Rican author?

[silgari.livejournal.com]

Oh.. I love bittersweet sad movies... they make you think!

Carlos Salazar Herrera is one of my favorite Costarican authors. He writes folk stories. The book I like is from 1947. You can smell and feel the stories. My fave is "Cuentos de angustias y paisajes" something like Stories of anguishes and landscapes... Short stories.. I love this book! And they are bittersweet!

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Me, too. I've reached the point where happy endings sometimes get too unrealistic. Of course happy endings still make me sigh deliciously sometimes, but it mostly depends on believability.

I gather...his stories are written in your language. Bleh. Haha! Maybe someday I can get to read a novel/story in a language other than English of Filipino. :)

[silgari.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I need happy endings, but sometimes you just need stuff that are real.

Yes.. bleh! kidding! Haha... If I find his stories in English I'll send u the link! I think is going to be hard.. or maybe I can translate it.. but that's going to be hard, cos he use word that I don't even understand! We'll see...

Who's your fave Filipino author?

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

Ah, no, you don't have to do that. Haha!! That'll be tooooooo much of a crazy thing to do! :) Who knows, he just might be like Coelho or Garcia Marquez and have his stories released in other languages. I've taken note of the name, anyway. )

Who's your fave Filipino author?

None.

HAHA!

Well, for contemporary stuff, I won't call her an author. She's more a columnist, but she releases books with her thoughts and opinions of things. She's very witty. Her name's Jessica Zafra. http://jessicarulestheuniverse.com/about

For classics, I stick with the real classic, but the language is too deeply Filipino for me, like there's always a hidden meaning to his words. His name's Jose Rizal (and he's our national hero). There were lots of hidden meanings to his works because they were all revolutionary, his written works written against the Spanish regime at the time. His two famous novels were Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo. And before he was executed, he wrote a poem Mi Ultimo Adios. :)

[silgari.livejournal.com]

Wooo Jessica Zafra is Sarcastic! Love it!

I'm still amaze how far we are, an how Spain had so much influence in both our countries. People in your country was force to use spanish names, just like in my country. I'm gonna look for info on Jose Rizal

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

Yes. I love her wit. XDD

Right? Talk about colonialism and its reaches. :)
Jose Rizal is an easy find, I would say. :)