[story prompt] Image - The Girl

[dvampyrlestat]

In reply to a prompt over at start_writing_2. The prompt is this:



Author:  Jeffer
Title: Half-truths
Summary: A con artist gets caught in his web of lies
Prompt used: mentioned above
Word Count: 879
Type: Original fiction
Notes: No decapitations, quite wholesome methinks. Totally unbeta'd, written on the fly.
Critique Request: Yes please, anything at all

Simon watched in silence as the fresh-faced detective pored over the inch-thick file, a frown creasing that smooth forehead. Two, three years on the force, give or take, he thought. Still green, but clearly dedicated to his job.

Marner was exactly Simon's kind of cop. Young, intelligent - but not so smart - and gullible.

The woman, though, was another story. She sat in silence the whole time since he was ushered into the interrogation room. She did not say a word, simply watched and listened.

Stared at him with blank blue eyes.

"Detective Lawson, is it?" he asked mildly, his smile in his voice. 

Lawson said nothing, just continued staring at him. At 60, Simon had his share of appreciation from the womenfolk, and this Lawson didn't look too bad herself. In fact, she was quite stunning. Tall, raven hair, deep blue eyes. Now if only she smiled a little then she'd be a knockout. Simon guessed her to be in her late twenties, no older than that.

Marner spoke and, grateful for the interruption, Simon fixed his attention on the younger man.

"Simon Fess, a.k.a. Arthur Jones, a.k.a. Zachary More, a.k.a. Chester Stanton...among others--"

"I'm a man of many talents, what can I say." 

"-- 60 years old --"

"I don't lie about my real age, by the way."

"-- no permanent address, no permanent job, wanted in seven states for multiple counts of swindling, theft, and a few other crimes I won't care to mention."

"Let's make this clear, though. I never killed anybody."

Marner was staring hard at him, and Simon recognized that look. He used to get that look whenever he sat on this same chair before a young and impressionable officer of the law. A mixture of wonder and distaste. He'd bet his top dollar - if he had one - that this Marner was probably comparing him right now to a dignified university professor and not the petty thief that he really was.

"How come?" The quiet question came from Lawson, and the sound of her voice actually surprised Simon. It was soft, almost melodic, but still with that unmistakable toughness that came with the job description.

"How come I never killed anyone?" Simon grinned, leaning back on his seat and raising his voice for the benefit of whoever stood behind the two-way mirror. "I steal things, not lives. That's where I draw the line."

"Thieves know how to draw lines? I thought they only knew how to cross them." 

Simon looked at her, wondering if that was sarcasm he heard in her voice. But her face gave nothing away. 

Marner cleared his throat. "What about family?"

"What about family?" Simon repeated, throwing the question back at Marner.

"Your file mentioned something about being married when you were thirty-four, then nothing else. What happened to them?"

Simon was quiet for a long minute, wondering how he should answer. He shrugged. "They died."

This was clearly not the answer the younger man expected. "Died? H-how? When? Why wasn't this in the file?"

Again, Simon shrugged. "It's a touchy subject. They got into an accident, my wife and my four-year-old daughter." He leaned his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. "It still haunts me to this day, how she carried our daughter and got into the car, on the way to the doctor..."

"And...?" Marner prompted.

"My wife lost control of the car....fell into a ditch. She died on the spot."

"And your daughter?"

Simon shrugged. "Gone, too." Lifting his face, he said, "Look, I don't see how this has anything to do with why I am here right now. I don't even know the guy accusing me of conning his mother's money!"

Both men turned as Lawson got up from her seat. She gave Marner a pointed look. "Wrap this up."

Simon watched her stride to the door. As she pulled it open, she turned her head to take one last look at him.

Simon went still. There was something vaguely familiar about this scene....Deja vu?

Lawson closed the door behind her.

She went straight to the adjoining room where Martin, her partner and mentor, stood watching the interrogation room through the two-way mirror.

"Either he's good, or he's telling the truth." Martin was shaking his head in disgusted amazement.

"Oh, he's good, alright," Lawson said, leaning against the far wall, watching the arrested suspect speak with Marner on the other side. "A very good liar."

Martin threw her a questioning glance.

Lawson explained herself. "His wife died, but not of an accident. It was terminal cancer. And her daughter didn't die, either."

"He didn't?"

"He sold her off. Auctioned her."

Martin was clearly baffled. "And you know this, how? Those weren't on any of his files."

She walked closer to the mirror, her eyes on Simon Fess. "She was crying, begging for him not to give her away. He promised he'd come back for her, but he never did."

Martin threw his hands up in confusion. "How do you know all these? You weren't even there!"

A beat.

"Sure I was."

Lawson threw one last long look at Simon Fess and left the room.

Martin was left staring after her in shocked silence.

FIN.

** underlined ones are corrections, many thanks to mary684. I know there are others. I suck at tenses, lolz.

Comments

[mjlights.livejournal.com]

it's actually good... Short but it gives off the right tone for each of the characters.... except for the criminal- he doesn't *how shall I say this?* evoke the right sympathy worthy of a good liar...... But again I like it......

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

aahh. i love critiques, it points out the many things I miss! :)
I love the fact that you thought a good liar actually should evoke any form of sympathy. :) I'll try to work on motivations more next time.

Thanks for reading and commenting! :)

[adfirmatiosg.livejournal.com]

I really really liked it. Its funny because I felt sympathy for the criminal untlil the end then I wasn't sure what to feel for him.

Anyways, good job! :D

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

*sucks breath in*

Th-thank you very much! :) I kept thinking I should've put in more description of Simon...oh well, another thing learned. :)

Thank you for reading and commenting!!! :)

[mary684.livejournal.com]

Nice job for being written on the fly. You are very good with dialogue. Excellent use of POV. I like your criminal, he's very saavy, trying to manage the cops and control the situation. I definitely get the feeling he's done this many times before. The only thing that I didn't quite understand was him selling his daughter, that confused me a bit. Your tenses flip around a bit in the paragraph that starts "Lawson said nothing..."

Thanks for responding to the prompt. I enjoyed your story. :)

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

I feel like I can write dialogue easier than narratives, what with my 'English know-how' being limited and all. Will try to work on it more. :)

I thought of putting in his reasons in the past, too, but I guess I was too focused on keeping this thing short. I shouldn't have, huh. And thanks for pointing out the tense, I suck at tenses. :)

Thank YOU for reading and for the concrit! I hope I made a bit of use of the prompt properly....:)

[pharashi.livejournal.com]

Nice short story. I like how you set him up to be a sympathetic man until you show him as a shyster who gave up his daughter. You truly have the gift of flowing smoothly stories. I felt no sympathy for the con artist due to the fact they usually ruin lives and leave a bitter aftertaste if not worse. The ending show his true characters.

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) I had a problem ending it, though cause I wondered if I should've written in clearly that Lawson was actually his daughter or just leave it out....:) So I went for cryptic. :)

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[hakita9.livejournal.com]

not good criticizing. good. i like it.
it makes want to know the story behind that old man.
and that poor daughter.

tq, its been a long time since i read a short story.

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

If given another prompt from the comm, I might write up something on the poor daughter, who's actually Lawson. heeheheh...:)

Thanks for reading!!!!

[ariange]

Aha! I knew she was his daughter somewhere between "Wrap this up!" and Simon went still. (I shouldn't feel so cocky about it, lol). At first I thought Simon was too opened (about his family) for the impression he left at the beginning, but I actually belived him, so minus points for me xD. The young guy detective got on my nerves, guess I don't like characters like him :p.

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

Ahaha! Congratulations on your correct hunch!! XDD