[Story Prompt] - TURNS

[dvampyrlestat]

Author: jeffer
Title: Turns
Summary: A young woman faces the literal meaning of "Life Can't Wait" 
Prompt used: "Write about someone who has waited in line too long."
Word Count: 851
Type: Original fiction
Notes: Written after a prompt from start_writing_2. I really did not give a lot of thought to this, so forgive it for its lameness. I just wrote about the first thing that came to mind. :) This is totally unbeta'd
Critique Request: Yes please. I'm a big girl, I can take it. It's a way to grow. Thank you very much!

The antiseptic air assailed her senses as she stumbled through the glass doors. There was a tingling somewhere on her side, right below her ribcage, but she ignored it and wove her way to the nurses’ station, barely noting the racket going on in the hospital floor.

 

“E-excuse me,” she began, and stopped. Why did it hurt so much to talk?

 

She tried again. “Excuse me…”

 

One of the nurses – her nametag read Beth – looked up from the clipboard she was holding.

 

“I…I need --”

 

“Are you a relative of any of the passengers?” Beth inquired, barely sparing her a glance and referring to her clipboard again.

 

“No.” The pain at her side intensified but she bit her lip. “I…I am one of the passengers.”

 

“Your name?”

 

“A-alice.”

 

“Why don’t you sit there and I’ll ask one of the doctors to take a look at you later.”

 

“I just wanted to know if I can go. I’m fine, really.”

 

“Let the doctors decide that.”

 

“I’ve been waiting for minutes now…” Even speaking took a lot of effort now. What's wrong with her?

 

“Look, the entire ER is in an uproar right now. There are two passengers in critical condition, and a few others aren’t doing better. You look unscathed, so why don’t you just wait until a doctor can see to you.” Beth turned her back on Alice and walked off.

 

Alice glanced around. A young man stood at the corner, holding a sobbing woman in his arms. She remembered the woman. She was seated across the aisle from Alice earlier, clutching a baby in her arms. Only now, there was blood all over the woman’s clothes. But no more baby.

 

On the couches sat a grim-faced group of teenagers, their eyes shifting every now and then to the ER. She recalled seeing them board the bus minutes after she did. They were a rowdy bunch, laughing and making jokes. At one point, the baby had cried out in protest at the noise they were making. Yes, they were on the same bus.

 

What happened to the bus? she wondered. And the driver?

The driver, a gray-haired man in his fifties, has given Alice her first smile for the day when she boarded earlier. Right there and then she decided to take the bus to work more often from now on. It did not matter that she’d have to wait for a while for the bus to come; she’d definitely ride again.

 

It was a relatively smooth ride, and Alice had settled down on her seat, appreciating the city pass by outside her window. One rarely experiences this treat when behind the wheel of a car. Yes. She’d definitely ride here again.

 

Just then, the bus swerved recklessly, flinging Alice forward, her head hitting the back of the seat in front of her. The baby started wailing, followed by the mother’s soothing voice. The laughter at the back of the bus instantly stopped as they all looked to see what was happening.

 

Alice had tried to stand to peer towards the front but the bus jerked yet again and she was slammed back down. With great effort she managed to lean her head to the side.

 

Then a sharp jolt, followed by the sound of metal scraping. A loud bang.

 

Alice had been thrown to the floor but, as dizziness claimed her, she noted one thing.

 

She no longer heard the baby's cries.

 

Now, looking at the crying mother, Alice wondered if she imagined the baby existing at all. Perhaps it was the woman who was crying, and there was no baby.

 

But why was she crying?

 

Again that pain on her side intensified and she clutched at it.

 

Alice stiffened, slowly lifted her hand to look at it.

 

Is this…blood? 

Whose? 

Hers?

 

Her knees weakened and she leaned on the counter for support.

 

“Hey, lady.”

 

Alice looked up to meet the eyes of a young intern. She blinked, her mind drawing a blank.

 

‘M-my name’s Alice….” she whispered.

 

The intern was frowning. “Are you alright?”

 

Alice felt her face crack in a small smile, but the effort made her ribs tingle. “I…They told me to wait for the doctor…”

 

“You don’t look too good, lady….”

 

“I…can wait….” Her hand came up to the counter as her feet threatened to give way beneath her.

 

The intern suddenly became alert, sprinting around the counter to her side. “A little help here!” he yelled, grabbing Alice by the shoulder just as she was about to fall forward.

 

Muddled, she looked at him. “I’m…I’m okay, really…” Her words froze in her throat when she realized what brought the intern into panic. There, atop the pristine-white counter, was her bloody handprint.

 

A stretcher was wheeled in and she felt hands all over her, lifting her, laying her down. Her eyes sought the intern’s kind face.

 

He was above her, holding her hand. Her bloodied hand.

 

A dazed smile appeared on her pale face. 

“Is it…my turn now?”

 

She did not hear the answer for her eyes finally closed.

  

FIN. 

Comments

[aravah.livejournal.com]

Here via start_writing_2. Just a quick note because I'm short of time; I'll come back later with a more detailed comment. First, thanks for participating, and second, I liked this a lot. It flowed well. I got a real sense of confusion from the character as she remembered and started to piece together what was happening. I noticed a couple of tense issues, but, as I said, I'll come back later to point those out. Great use of the prompt. :)

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

Th-thanks....

I'll do my best to improve on my English (not my primary language, but I love it) and tense is really my problem most of the time. :)

[mary684.livejournal.com]

Here via start_writing_2. I love your use of the prompt. I like how your character remembers people on the bus, the bus driver, the teenagers and most especially the crying baby and how now the mother is crying for the baby (oh, sad!). It is an effective way of telling us what happened without saying "this happened then this happened then...etc." I like how you put 'She no longer heard the baby's cries.' in its own separate line, quite a chilling moment. The ending is great!

Nice job!

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

Thanks.....
English isn't really my first language, so I'm kinda scared putting original fiction out there. :) So I guess it's safe to say that Alice's confusion is actually me channeling my 'confusion'.
Thank you again!

[ariange]

I liked it. I liked the part about the parents and a baby, however tragic.

I'm really no good at this kind of comments because I'm usually unable to put my thoughts into words. I'm also a very slow reader (yes, even concerning my mother tongue) - everything I read I like to see in my head with details, so maybe that's why ;p (well, probably except cracky/light fanfics or works of that sort). But those are things you not necessarily needed or wanted to know ^^; - it's just that if my comments on your writing won't be eloquent at all, that doesn't mean I think it was bad (and sorry in advance). There.

[dvampyrlestat.livejournal.com]

I'm twisted like that...haha. Glad you liked the tragedy.

And don't worry about eloquence or whatever. I'm just glad someone's reading what I write and actually has something to say about it. And actually DOES say something.

Thank you for reading!

[ariange]

I liked how you described it, not the tragedy itself, baka ;p (wait...are you messin' with me? xD).

I'm sure a lot of people read it but they're probably worried, like myself, they won't have anything meaningful to say :( . But don't let that discourage you and keep going! :)